Konstant Be

To the universe: Don"t think I don"t see you or I feel you; I do. I know I"m sometimes slow to pick up on things. Please be patient with me. To whom it may concern: Don"t think I don"t see you or I feel you; I do. I know I"m  sometimes  slow to pick up on things. Please be patient with me.

To the universe: Don"t think I don"t see you or I feel you; I do. I know I"m sometimes slow to pick up on things. Please be patient with me. To whom it may concern: Don"t think I don"t see you or I feel you; I do. I know I"m  sometimes  slow to pick up on things. Please be patient with me.

It's almost the new year which means the Day is quickly approaching once again...

And my heart weighs heavy still.

I want us to be miserable. I mean real fucking miserable. I want people to wonder why we even get up in the morning. To wonder how we even eek out an existence together. I want us to do the most back breaking things to keep a roof over our heads. I hope we have to shake fire and brimstone from our shoulder blades each night. Our fingertips, I want the stench of cigarettes to be seared into them and alcohol sewn into our breath. I hope we sleep in a bed of ashtrays, unpaid bills, and notebook paper, cover ourselves in half painted canvases, lay our heads on piles of the things we never say, and dream in colors our minds are too terrified to comprehend. I hope we over sleep every night. I want our nerves to be raw at every moment. I hope our every days are exhausting. I hope our days are shitty. I hope our days are scary. I hope our days become as monstrous as they'll say we are. I hope they can't stand to be around us. I want people to hate how we dress. I want them...

...then you're reminded that you're still that lone asshole kid on the playground, that no one plays with, because you can never seem to say the right things. So when you're not being teased or fighting, your recesses (if you're allowed) are resolved to running full speed next to the girls that despise you to snatch drive-by cheek kisses or sitting by the sandbox, waiting in silence for the blue stripped sand-bees to go into their holes so you can cover them with sand...

Anything that has never had to survive won't ever be beautiful.

I'm such an Aries. At the first sign of trouble, I practically rear up on my hind legs, lower my horns, and then charge into it full speed and try to fix everything. And I realize its because I care so damn much. The other day, the foot plate on my friend's wheelchair fell off. Before I knew it, I was in fix it mode, horns down and rushing to Macguyver a solution. I hate knowing someone is hurting and that there's maybe something I can do to change it. I want to save the world if just a little. I feel like I won't feel comfortable potentially bringing a child into this world if didn't try to make it better if just by the tiniest margin. But I have to remember that some things aren't meant to be fixed. And I have to accept that I can't fix everything. I can't fix everything. I shouldn't try to. Sometimes situations just need to be. Sometimes problems and emotions just need to run their course. And its enough to just be there, say I love you, and...

And some moments I just tremble and some moments I just hope...

Honestly, I'm kind of speechless. Not that I don't have anything to say. It's just that I've been too busy smiling or laughing. Seriously, I've probably laughed more in the last week because of her than I have in months. She's "my good feeling". She is all things I never knew I wanted in another. And the things I knew I wanted as well :). She's like a dream for this James Dean wannabe... I once had a dream long ago. In this dream, I'm in a crowded ballroom. I'm surrounded by group of people who enthralled with my every word and gesture. I'm entertaining them with banter, and all of a sudden, I catch something from the corner of my eye. I turn my head slowly to my left and she's there. On the opposite side of this gigantic ballroom, she's there looking right back. She's surrounded just as I by people transfixed by her beauty and vying for her attention. But we stare into each other eyes and there is nothing between us....

I'm writing a poem about you. Hopefully, it will be even an eighth of your beauty, a fourth of your depth, and just a sixth of how well you write...

Just got home from reciting poetry on Art Rocks Radio with the insightful Deacon Blair , the gypsy muse Anjela Piccard , the one of a kind Guy Lombardo and the cultural shepard William Williams . Amazing show, amazing people. <|3

My movie dream last night: I'm spider-man and somehow I'm framed so I end up in prison with a few other super-humans and regulars inmates.

Just had an amazing New Orleans dinner with a room full of equally amazing artists and musicians. What a perfect rainy Sunday. Some mixture of plum, bacon, french bread and vegetables that was divine...  Po' Boys...

Sometimes the greatest of art ideas make you wait. Took about three years, but it all came full circle. <|3

I don't like the idea of "chasing dreams". If they are truly your dreams, then there is no need to chase. You don't chase what you have. Chasing dreams is like a dog chasing its tail. The task is to stand perfectly still. To have the strength to hold on and trust that it will come and bath you like the rising sun. To borrow a quote, "Assuming that this planet rotates, I'll just procrastinate until the day I bump into my soulmate..." Though I'm not talking about soul-mates here. Far from it. I think about it and I want to describe dreams in metaphor. I want to say dreams are like being stuck in a glass tank surrounded by ocean and filling up with water. The water is rising up your body and your heart is telling you to just relax and go with it. But as the water gets higher and higher, you panic and look for a way out, using all of your strength to push at the door. It doesn't budge. Your heart keeps telling you to be calm, keep breathing, and ac...

I turn on my car to find two lights on the dash. On the right, the check engine light and on the left, the empty gas tank light. As I roll over the bumps in my apartment complex, the gas light dims and disappears for a few seconds. It lets me know that there's still a bit sloshing around in there. I open my g-mail to find an e-mail from my ex. The air around me began to fizzle and my heart paused as I read. It lets me know that there's still a bit sloshing around in there. <|3

Today I followed a beautiful butterfly around for several minutes. It was quite large and the markings were amazing. It was mostly yellow with bits of blue and red at bottom of the wings. I tried my best to get very close without scaring it away as it fluttered around. It inspired a new painting before it finally flew over the fence and into the sky. Thank you butterfly. <|3

My mouth is filled with primordial ooze; there are new worlds forming in my throat and species in my spit. I speak not English but alien with human accent. <|3

Found my chapstick :)